Quantifications for the Five Minute Faux Foodie by Katerina la Vermintz

The five minute faux foodie must remember but a few things in society: deportment; etiquette; and a few useful phrases. We will briefly offer suggestions that may help if you are one of the many who aspire to this mantle.

Deportment: At the start of each day you must train yourself to put food first in mind. All other thought must be pushed to the side for later thought. What you will wear is not important nor are any business meetings. The weather is important only in that your menu will be planned upon it in certain ways. Sex is not important. It can wait till you’ve had a foaming cup of cappuccino and some chocolate. This should take you one minute each day to push other thoughts aside. Train well. As with all things, the training will prove well worth it!

Etiquette: Foodies come in various groups. You will find those who fill their time with foams and exquisite artistry at great expense. Others like to cook for themselves. Some groups focus solely on fast food or on pizza in foodie ways. Do not shudder in pain or disdain when you meet a foodie from a group other than yours. Remember, you are all foodies no matter how it is expressed! It may take one solid minute to learn to hide the sense of alienation you have upon meeting a foodie from a different group. One minute per day. It must be done.

Useful phrases: These change each year and must be learned. ‘Sustainable’ is your primary concern this year. Other words important to bandy about: ‘local’; ‘organic’; ‘grass-fed’; ‘sel de fleur’; ‘sourcing’; ‘porky bits’; and of course ‘exquisite’ is always useful. Learn your terms. One minute per day. Non non non! It is of course ‘fleur de sel’. Forgive me, my mind wandered – something about chocolate was at the edges, eating up all other thought!

Organic? Or not: The philosophy of being a foodie is one to come to terms with or you will be unable to carry yourself with the proper rigor. Each foodie must decide for themselves whether ‘foodie’ is a natural thing to be – something quite fine and natural that organically grew from the soil of the fertile cooks and diners before us or whether the ‘foodie’ is something created as a improved human being by, of course, the improved human beings who created it as a concept and way of being. This will take one more minute each day of study and thought.

If You Must Cook: If you must cook as a five minute faux foodie, remember to keep it simple. If you can buy the best and just put an expensive knife to it then lay it out nicely on a plate, that is the best idea. The financially-challenged foodie will have to find other means that take no time. Go to grains. Lentils, green French lentils, are always a good idea. Make sure you leave the container within sight for your guests when they walk by the kitchen. One minute for menu planning, if you must cook.

Dear readers, I do hope that those who aspire to the five minute faux foodie life will take heart from these modest injunctions and will jump in the pond with all the other foodies! You are worth it, even if you only have five minutes a day and are faux! Do not give up this chance, for after all – what else is there to do?

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6 thoughts on “Quantifications for the Five Minute Faux Foodie by Katerina la Vermintz

  1. Pingback: On Being A ‘Foodie’ « Dianabuja's Blog

  2. Ah ma petite soeur Saffron Paisley! What mode of foodie am I?
    I am not foodie. Pas du tout! You must remember that I am of the Time Before Foodies. BF.
    In my day we did not worry our heads over what we ate too very much. If we were rich we ate well if we were poor we did not. In my circle there were gentlemen who seemed to take to the task of worrying over their food excessively, poking at it and making quite a fuss and some even wrote monographs on the subject when they were not deciding whom they wanted to fight most on what front of what country. Indeed, I have even married several of this sort of gentleman. In their youth their mothers or their nursemaids called them ‘fussy eaters’ and thought them quite obnoxious. But with age and with power they had their way with this idea and so it goes!
    Like other ladies of my social standing there were other things to think of. Such as – what kind of bug must be growing in that little slut Marie Antoinette’s towering rat head of hair! Or whether we would actually be able to dance with these tight corsets and ridiculous shoes! But the largest reality is that to be a foodie is to be a mystic in some ways, and I am most eminently a practical person. I can not sanctify my food for it is simply not what I do! Ah, yes – I enjoy it, I do! Particularly those pretty little green peas when they fall down my decolletage and must be rescued with the slim silver tines of delightfully chilled fork by whichever gentleman I choose to provide me with this favor!! Mais oui! Ce n’est pas mal du tout! But foodie, non.
    I am most grateful for your curiosity, though!
    Katerina la V.

  3. Oh Katerina, you, too are amazing AND I love this sentiment:

    Etiquette: Foodies come in various groups. You will find those who fill their time with foams and exquisite artistry at great expense. Others like to cook for themselves. Some groups focus solely on fast food or on pizza in foodie ways. Do not shudder in pain or disdain when you meet a foodie from a group other than yours. Remember, you are all foodies no matter how it is expressed! It may take one solid minute to learn to hide the sense of alienation you have upon meeting a foodie from a different group. One minute per day. It must be done.

    Foodism (just coined that myself, I think) for the masses. I love it. No nose snubbing for me, someone who can appreciate her twinkies, tell (& appreciate) the difference between Pepsi, Coke, and RC but also loves sole delicately fried in butter in the French way, her Veuve Cliquot, her Gorgonzola Naturale and both lists go on and on…

    Thank you for this guide. I do hope there’s more to come.

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